Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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