My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
