You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You have to summon your inner elephant
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
