kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
