If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
