i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
