i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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