we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
