my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
