Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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