I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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