Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
