I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
