how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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