Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
