Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
