You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
