I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
