remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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