Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
