I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
