We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
