if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
