I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
