On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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