then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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