he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
