just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So vagazzling was a success
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
