it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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