You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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