Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
