She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
