No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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