ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
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That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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