Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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