i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
