Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
