worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
