Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
