theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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