I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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