This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
