I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
