I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
