I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
