Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
