I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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