I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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