i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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