Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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