how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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