i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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