So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
