I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
