I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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