She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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