Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
